Hello. And I’m sorry. I wish you weren’t here, just as I wish I had no reason to need this space.

If you find yourself here, it’s likely not out of joy. If you find yourself here, it’s likely because your heart has been shattered, and you’re searching for someone that can relate to your empty arms. I don’t know your story, but I know this pain as my own, and I am trying to live with it every day.

My perfect daughter, Tessa Joelle, was born sleeping on May 21, 2018 at 38 weeks. My pregnancy was uneventful, to the point that I jokingly asked when I was going to be miserable, and all of that normalcy came crashing down with a box of tissues placed on my chest and an “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat,” spoken by a stranger.

The days and weeks since Tessa’s death have been a blur, and I’ve found myself searching. The only thing that has helped is to keep moving, to keep climbing, one step and one rung at a time. “A ladder to the stars” is from Forever Young, one of the songs that I chose for Tessa’s memorial service, a song that I loved before my baby left this world, and now one that I will cherish forever.

Tessa keeps me climbing, moving forward when all that I want is to desperately go back. This is the story of learning to mother without your baby, of trying to live when your child did not.

This is my story. This is Tessa’s story. Welcome.